It Was Maura's Point of View
by JUJUChick16
Summary: So I have decided instead of waiting to get to Maura's point of view on everything I will just post it now. So hopefully this will help clear some stuff up along the way...
1. Chapter 1

Maura awoke the next morning she felt horrible, she knew she had broken Jane's heart and she hated herself. But Jane had broken her heart as well. No, that wasn't true…well it was on both sides. Sitting up Maura looked ahead to a standing mirror in her room and instantly hated what she saw, she was a damn liar. She loved Jane with all of her heart but being with her the way she was well…toxic.

Getting out of bed Maura walked into the bathroom and looked in the bathroom mirror, what they were doing was consensual but she was scared. They had never established anything all that they were doing was having sex and she didn't want to scare Jane away by asking for more, what was wrong with her. Walking into the shower Maura allowed the water to clear her thoughts, but it wasn't working.

Instead Maura found herself sitting on the shower floor with tears running down her face until she couldn't tell if they were tears or if it was water from the shower. She hated herself, she wanted nothing more than to curl up and die. She wasn't good enough for all of the men and she wasn't good enough for Jane, she was a coward a pathetic little coward. Crying her eyes out Maura mentally hitting herself but physically hit her head lightly against the shower.

"I need to move on, come on Maura this is like any other relationship. You are called the Queen of the Dead for a reason, no emotion." Taking a deep breath Maura stood up and decided at that moment she was going to be no emotion and she was going to move on, she wasn't going to let Jane know how much of a coward she was.

Maura knew it was for the best she ended whatever was happening, she couldn't reveal her feelings. She wasn't good enough for Jane so why shoot for more when it wouldn't work out, right. Sighing Maura finished getting ready for work and took one last look in the mirror, putting up her walls Maura walked out of her room and made her way out of the door.

It had been a slow day at work; she had finished all of her paperwork and performed one autopsy which was easy the guy died of a heart attack nothing major. Closing her laptop she reached down and grabbed her purse and cellphone, she needed lunch and green tea or she wasn't going to survive the rest of the day.

Avoiding the café Maura went a block away from BPD and went in to the bistro she had read about and had been meaning to try, sitting down at a table she waited for the waitress to arrive. Looking at the one wall she smiled when she saw a picture with the T.V. show Kojak but quickly Maura cleared the smile and begun to clear her mind because she felt tears begin to brim her eyes.

"Hello, my name is Amy I will be your waitress what can I get for you?" The waitress smiled.

"A green tea and a cranberry salad please." Maura smiled back.

"Alright, I will be back with your tea in just a moment!" Amy exclaimed and walked away to put the order in, Maura removed her fake smile. Reaching into her purse she removed a book and begun to read it, three minutes into the book the waitress came back with the tea which Maura thanked her for but continued to read.

"Excuse me." Maura looked up and froze.


	2. Chapter 2

"Yes?" Maura asked as she looked up.

"Is it okay if I take your chair, all other chairs are taken and I noticed that this one here seemed available, unless you are waiting on someone?" The man asked.

"Oh, no it is alright I am on break from work so go ahead and take it." Maura smiled at the man who smiled in return.

"Thank you so much!" The man replied with too much enthusiasm as he picked up the chair and walked off; Maura shook her head and smiled but eventually went back to reading her book. It was the hundredth time she had read Jane Eyre but she felt like the character, falling in love with someone she shouldn't. If that was the case then she should be reading Rebecca or even Anna Karenina but both seemed far more depressing than Jane Eyre at the moment.

As her food arrived Maura set her book aside and ate while she took in her surroundings, after a moment she set her fork down and just watched. Everyone was moving so fast, Maura wanted to stand up and move as well but she felt paralyzed to the chair. An overwhelming feeling ensnared her she never understood the line alone in a million crowd until just now, watching as people passed by like they were on fast forward in an old VHS tape while she stood still…painfully still. Panic rose inside of her, the feeling of being under water caused Maura's breathing to become more rapid.

She needed out of the bistro, she needed to run…

"Just like you did with, Jane…"Maura whispered to herself, but quickly dug into her purse and withdrew some money and tossed it onto the table. It was enough to cover lunch, tip…an extremely generous tip. She left quickly but even though she was walking she still felt so paralyzed, stepping into an alley way Maura tried to regulate her breathing but it was becoming useless.

"Okay, Maura. Come on, it is just a panic attack you haven't had one since college but you got through it. Breathe…good…breath, you are not going to die you are not alone. You have Angela, Frankie, Tommy, Frost, Korsak and Ja…" Maura stopped before she could complete the name and felt the panic begin to rise again. "Breath…breath…breath." Maura chanted after five minutes she felt herself calm, the shaking subsided and the rise of fear begin to diminish.

Maura begun to walk back to BPD but as she got within sight of it, she couldn't go in…she couldn't risk seeing Jane. Even though Jane never showed up for work she couldn't risk it, what if Jane was there. Here she was guessing, mentally slapping herself Maura begun to force herself to go inside. Walking in and looking around she saw the officers and detectives moving about and again the panic begun to build, this was ridiculous.

Almost running to the elevator Maura hit the down button repeatedly mentally knowing it wouldn't make the thing move faster, once the ding aired the arrival Maura jumped in and pushed the down button and the close the door button. She wanted to be alone but she didn't realize just how that would be. The small confines of the elevator made her heart race more, what was wrong with her. Running into her office she shut the door and practically threw herself down on the couch, and just breathed in the cool air.

"You did the right thing pushing her away; she couldn't and can't know what you really feel. You did the right thing; you did the right thing Maura. Logically it wouldn't work Jane needs more and you don't have it. But why is my body doing this? Now I am talking to myself!" Maura groaned un-Maura like as she mentally slapped herself again.

"Come on Maura, get your head up. You are not like this, this isn't you. What are you Maura? Smart, beautiful, work-orientated, independent, wealthy and fucking liar!" Maura yelled to herself as she threw a pillow over herself and screamed, the thing is she always appeared so put together but when she was alone she would fall apart. Growing up she was always told to not show your emotions to people only in privacy and that is what she did, but at this moment she hated that she wasn't being held.

Removing the pillow Maura thought back to how it all started her two weeks in New York and the night she went off on Jane. Closing her eyes Maura allowed the memories to consume her because she couldn't fight them off.

**A/N: So the next chapter we will learn about Jane and Maura before One More Night, after that chapter four will be Maura's two weeks in New York, then chapter five will be Maura's reactions to after Darn Liar that night. The from there it will be Maura those two month before the start of It Was then Maura's thoughts and views through It Was. **


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: This is before One More Night, how everything started. It is one hundred percent in Maura's point of view she is speaking to us in this chapter. It does come off as not everything being told but that is for a reason, we will learn a lot more as time goes on. Enjoy!**

We had been sitting on the couch extremely intoxicated watching some movie that Jane had insisted was a classic but I swore I never saw it on the AMC top 100 classic films, to be honest I didn't understand how The Goonies was a classic I didn't find entertainment in it. But I did find entertainment in watching Jane, her enthusiasm during the movie made me laugh and smile, but also the way her body moved when some scenes would come up. The way her body reacted sent shivers through out my body, Jane had picked up on it because she turned and looked me in the eyes. I had no doubt her eyes were as dark as mine, thanks to the alcohol we acted in ways we wouldn't have if we were sober.

When her lips touched mine an explosion of fire went through out my body, I wanted Jane more than I ever had. The weight of her pressing me down into the couch caused wetness to grow more between my legs; I was desperate to feel her inside of me. I couldn't tell you how long it took but it felt like seconds, we were upstairs and our clothes were scattered everywhere. I'd imagined being with Jane a million times and I could say real life was better than imagination with her, those long fingers were far better than I had thought.

Feeling her above me and inside of me made me climax repeatedly, and my actions caused the same with her. When we were spent and lying in my bed we fell asleep in each other's arms, when I fell asleep I swore I would wake up with the ability to say that Jane Rizzoli was my girlfriend. But that didn't happen, when I woke up Jane was gone and I knew she had become afraid. I got up and got ready for the day once at work Jane tried avoiding me like I had the plague but around five o'clock she strutted into my office where she closed and locked the door.

"Jane, what are you doing?" I asked.

"What I have been dying to do all day." Jane growled as she pushed me against the wall and begun to have her way with me, I had had sex against a wall but this…this was so much better. I didn't want it to stop but when Jane and I both climaxed together and she pulled away my instincts kicked in.

"So detective…" I teased.

"So, I am going to go and use your bathroom then go back to work." Jane stated as she turned and walked into my bathroom, I didn't know what was going on were we together or weren't we? I told myself I would confront Jane when she came out of the bathroom but when she came out and I saw her, I couldn't. I feared that if I asked for more than what Jane was willing to give I would lose her forever; I couldn't lose my best friend. I couldn't lose the woman I was so completely in love with and had been from the moment I saw her.

So I just plastered a smile on my face as she walked out, but she didn't leave empty handed. See little did Jane know that as she walked out of my office she also walked out with my heart, it wasn't the rise of endorphins from the sex that made me feel like I loved her, no. I had loved Jane for a lot longer than that and I would continue to love her even though I knew she was going to tear me apart and I her, I couldn't pull myself away. I wanted to be with Jane any way she would have me.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Again this is Maura talking to us I hope this clears some things up. I know it doesn't clear everything up because as we move along everything should hopefully be answered. **

I had run away for two weeks, New York is where I always ran to. It sounds rather pathetic but I had hoped she would run after me, see it was a test for me and for Jane. Those two weeks were about seeing if Jane would come after me, I waited…and waited but she never came. See Jane knew that when I ran away I ran to New York, my parents had a penthouse there that I only used when I was running I did it when she shot Paddy and after Ian. It is something I always did and she knew where I was, I knew I didn't have to tell her that she would figure it out or at least Angela would tell her.

But she never showed up, I made my days go by I visited museums, galleries, restaurants you name it. At night though I was always back at the penthouse by nine o'clock and sat down with a glass of wine, always alone because I hoped that Jane would come knocking on the door. As the two weeks started flying by I hated myself more and more, I let things happen I could have stopped what was going on.

After that incident in my office when I let her walk out I could have spoken up but I didn't, it is just as much my fault as it is hers. We could have both spoken up, but we didn't. My cowardice and social awkwardness just tells me I am not deserving of Jane.

The final night in New York I was angry for not speaking up I was angry at Jane, I was angry at everyone. As I packed my things I drank stronger things than wine, why did this have to happen. I didn't understand, the math and science were not adding up. Nothing seemed rational, it was all too much to handle. When I boarded the plane and finally landed my emotions had overwhelmed me, I had never felt that way before. I felt so out of control; reckless.

I didn't know what I was doing or what I was going to say to Jane when I saw her, when the taxi pulled up to my house and I saw Jane's car I froze…she was there at my house. I took a deep breath to push the tears away; I grabbed my bags and walked in. When I was inside and she looked at me I wanted to run into her arms and fall apart and tell her how I felt so stupid and not good enough for her but that didn't happen, she started apologizing for her wrongs and instead of me apologizing I blamed her I yelled…I lost control.

The words that left my mouth were not my words; I didn't know where they came from. I was lying and I couldn't stop, never had I been able to lie the way I did. No hives broke out; nothing. I didn't recognize the voice, or actions I was giving out they weren't me. When I climbed the stairs to my bedroom I felt my body grow weaker with each step, I felt nauseated I felt small and incomplete.

Why did I blame her for everything? Why did I help put us where we were? What had I done? So many questions ran through my head but all I could think about was how wrong I was how much of a damn liar I was.


	5. Chapter 5

She wasn't showing up to work, neither of them was and when one of them did the other left as quickly as possible. Maura at this moment was sitting in her office; it had been two weeks since she blew up at Jane. Two weeks since she pushed her best friend away, and two weeks of heartache but luckily due to this Maura was able to dive into paperwork and not think so much. As she finished her paperwork her cellphone went off, looking at the number she smiled.

"Hello, Patrick how have you been?"

"I have been, fabulous and you?" The man named Patrick questioned with a hint of enthusiasm.

"I'm doing better, so what do I owe the pleasure of getting a phone call?"

"I just want to talk to you." Patrick laughed.

"No, you do not. You need a date don't you?"

"Yes, well a wing woman. There is this function for all of the fire departments and I need someone that is smart and sexy by my side, and instantly I thought of you!" Maura laughed at this.

"I don't know, Patrick with everything that has happened I am not the best of company."

"Please, Maura. With you by my side I will be able to figure out who is available, only a gay man could turn you down honey and even then I think some would choose to be straight once looking at you!" The praise was meant to hit Maura's ego which it did, another laugh come from Maura.

"Alright, I will go with you. When is it?"

"Thank you! It is two weeks from today; I will pick you up say six o'clock."

"Sounds great!"

"Again, thank you so much Maura! I have to be going now some idiot is messing with my reports, bye!"

"Bye, Patrick and you are welcome." The two chuckled then hung up, Maura set her phone down and sat back in her chair. Going out would be good for her and it would be with someone not trying to get into her pants, what could possibly happen.

TWO WEEKS LATER…

Maura stood next to Patrick in a purple tight fitting dress that showed off everything, Patrick insisted she pull out all of the stops. Luckily for Patrick two men that had caught his eye were not paying attention to Maura so as he engaged in conversation with them, Maura stood off to the side with her champagne taking people in.

"Excuse me; I um…don't believe we have met yet. My name is Rachel O'Connell, what is yours?" Rachel smiled at Maura and extended her hand; Maura took the hand and shook it.

"Dr. Maura Isles." Maura smiled at Rachel.

"A doctor, wow…I am thinking I should walk away now I don't think my brain could keep up with yours." Rachel laughed, Maura chuckled at that.

"If I say something you don't understand you can just do what my best friend does, she tells me to basically talk normal." The two laughed again.

"So where all did you go to school then?"

"I went to boarding school, BCU and various other universities, how about you?" In truth Maura didn't want to bore her with a list of her schools, and also she wasn't much up for talking.

"I went for a year to BCU but my job was to demanding so I quiet."

"Oh, what do you do?" Maura was curious.

"I am a firefighter, I started working at the station when I was sixteen doing small stuff like cleaning but when I turned eighteen, I started training and such. I mean having a college degree would make things easier but I work a lot and college wasn't for me. I prefer to just jump right into things." Maura smiled at this.

"My best friend did the same thing minus the one year she just went right into being a police officer." Mentally Maura was slapping herself for bringing Jane up so much, granted it wasn't by name but still.

"Well, sounds like your best friend is a brave person."

"She is one of the bravest people I know."

"Listen, I don't want to sound too forward but I have liked talking to you…and I am probably way off so if I am don't be upset but um…do you think maybe I could take you out to dinner." Maura stood frozen for a moment, was she just asked out on a date.

"Oh um…"

"Oh, God I am so sorry. You are either straight or taken, I am so sorry. Just forget what I said." Rachel flushed with embarrassment.

"Oh, no I am not taken or straight I am just shocked. I didn't think I would be getting asked out, you are very attractive…"

"But not your type, right."

"Oh, no you are my type but I just…I have just gotten out of a…relationship only a month and a half ago and I don't think I am ready to date again. It ended…badly." Maura tried fixing the situation.

"Oh, I'm sorry. We can just try hanging out, as friends. I would like to get to know you, I feel like if I hung around you for a while my IQ would go up a million points." Rachel replied with a smile, Maura chuckled at this.

"Okay, friends." Maura replied with a smile.

A WEEK LATER…

Maura sat at the movie she was enjoying it immensely, Rachel and Maura had been texting the whole time and Maura brought up living in France and missing French films. So here they were their first experience as friends was watching a French film with subtitles, Maura was so absorbed in the film that she didn't pay attention to anything. After the film they went to eat at a nearby pizzeria, conversation about the movie progressed.

"The lighting was amazing, the way the director was able to reflect the sun and the man made light was astounding. I don't believe I have seen a movie that well directed in such an artistic manner in so long!" Maura began rambling; Rachel smiled as she took in what Maura was saying. "I'm sorry; I am boring you aren't I?"

"Oh, no the opposite actually to be honest I didn't understand the movie or was able to follow it very well you know trying to watch, listen and read at the same time was a bit difficult but with you informing me on everything I understand it better now." Rachel replied with honesty, Maura smiled at the response.

"Well, I am glad then! So tell me something about yourself?" Maura decided to be a bit more forward.

"Okay, what do you want to know?"

"How old are you?" Rachel laughed at this.

"How old are you?" Both laughed.

"Okay, I am going on thirty-seven now you." Maura smiled, Rachel smiled in return knowing she would have to answer.

"Well, I am older than you I am going on forty."

"Forty! I don't see it!" Maura was shocked.

"Yep, I know maybe thirty-five right. I have figured once I hit passed forty I will start looking my age." Rachel laughed; she usually had people telling her she didn't look forty.

"Well, I am not far behind you."

"No, you are not. Okay, my turn to ask a question. Do you have any kids?"

"No, I do not have any kids but I have a pet tortoise named Bass." Maura lit up at the mention of Bass.

"A tortoise that is pretty cool, I have never known anyone to have one. But may I ask why the name Bass?"

"Oh, it is for William M. Bass a renowned forensic pathologist!" Maura stopped herself from going into more detail remembering not many people cared for her 'Google mouth'.

"What type of doctor are you?" Rachel leaned forward with a quizzical look.

"I am a Medical Examiner." Instantly Maura was waiting for the 'huh look' or the 'yuck look'.

"Wow that is awesome! I mean when you said you were a doctor I knew that meant a lot of work but to be a Medical Examiner you would have to know everything about everything!"

"Not, really but it does help to know a little bit of everything."

"Don't say that, I have to say you are one of the smartest people I know and I think I ever will know!" After that conversation continued to flow, they walked around for a while window shopping pointing out things they liked and didn't as they continued talking Maura realized that it felt like they were on a date than just hanging out.

Getting back to Maura's place they sat down and watched television, well tried to Maura kept correct imperfections while Rachel sat back and listened but would admit that after an hour she tuned out. It wasn't that she didn't like here facts it was because she couldn't stop looking at Maura, she really liked her and wanted to take her out on a real date. But she didn't want to push, she didn't know about the past relationship but she could see that Maura was still hurting.

"Hey, I should probably be going it is getting really late."

"Oh, it is getting late!" Both of them stood up and walked to Maura's door, standing at the door for a moment silence filled the gap between them.

"Listen, Maura I am going to be honest with you. I really like you as more than a friend but I understand you are still hurting and I just…I want you to know if and when you feel ready to date let me know. I want us to stay friends but I want you to know I am still feeling like there can be more between us, I know we haven't known each other long but…yeah." Rachel rambled but stopped as she looked at Maura hoping for an answer.

"I am still hurting but…how about next week we go out to dinner as more than friends. See how it goes and if I don't feel like I am ready for a second date then we can go from there."

"Okay, sounds great! Maura, if any time before or during you change your mind just say so and if you don't feel ready for a second date then we can stay friends until you are or just be friends for good."

"Thank you, I really appreciate that."

"Okay, I will message you with what I have available at the station and we can work something out."

"Okay." The two smiled at one another for a second then Rachel turned around and opened the door.

"Good night, Maura Isles." Rachel smiled and winked as she walked to her SUV, Maura watched as Rachel pulled out of her drive way and left. Closing the door she locked it then leaned against it, she didn't know if she could go through with a date. She really liked Rachel but could she move on from Jane, could she be happy without Jane. Could she fall in love with Rachel, she didn't know all Maura knew at that moment was that she was so uncertain of things that she found herself confused and overwhelmed.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: I am going to try posting chapter seven today as well but it all depends on how work goes…enjoy!**

Looking at herself in the mirror Maura took in her appearance, she could hear the noise of people talking and carrying on downstairs. She wouldn't be joining in on Sunday dinner though; Rachel had been busy covering shifts and had finally been able to grab a day off. It was very last minute originally Maura had said no to going out on Sunday but eventually said yes when she realized how busy Rachel had been.

Taking a deep breath Maura grabbed her coat and purse, making her way downstairs Maura stopped when everyone stopped and took her in. Maura took in Jane's tone and body language when she mentioned she had a date, jealousy was overflowing from her. She was about to speak when she heard the knock at the door, going to the door she stopped and felt her breath hitch. Rachel looked gorgeous; she had pulled out all of the stops.

"Oh, yes let me just grab my jacket and purse."

"You don't need your purse I am paying for dinner." Maura smiled again at her date, she hadn't felt this giddy in a long time. Nodding in response she turned around and went to grab her jacket. When she went back to grab her coat Jane went on about meeting her date, in honesty Maura didn't want to introduce Rachel. She was scared and nervous, walking back towards the door Maura froze when she saw Rachel standing in the doorway.

"You don't have to introduce me, Maura." Rachel stated, taking a deep breath Maura decided she might as well.

"No, come in might as well get it out of the way." Maura gestured for Rachel to come in.

The introduction had gone well but Maura picked up on Jane's jealousy, she was doing her best to ignore it. She didn't want to make Jane jealous that was not her plan at all, to be honest Maura didn't know what her plan was anymore. All Maura knew was that she was not going to allow herself to act on her feelings towards Jane; she was not going to allow what happened to happen again. She was not going to hurt Jane…

ON THE DATE…

"So this is technically our first date but I think last week was an unofficial first date." Rachel smiled which was quickly returned by Maura.

"I would agree with that." The two continued to smile.

"So let me see here, I know your age, favorite color…what is your favorite book?" Rachel asked waiting for some classic novel she had never heard of but was surprised by Maura's response.

"Actually, Angela the woman I introduced you to had me a few of her books some months ago and I just now finished all of them and one of them really stood out to me. I have to say it is my favorite book as of right now."

"And what is the name of this book?" Rachel chuckled.

"Sing You Home by Jodi Picoult, it usually isn't my type of reading but I loved how the main character fell in love and when she realized it and accepted it she didn't hold back. She went for it, something I have never done." Maura replied with a smile but her eyes told another story, Rachel registered the information away.

"I haven't read that book I've heard good things about it though." Rachel smiled.

"What do you want to do after dinner?" The question through Rachel and she sat and thought for a moment.

"I don't really know, but I am going to guess you have a plan." Maura smiled brightly.

"I do and I think you might like it."

Once dinner was done Maura guided Rachel to a tall building once inside Rachel took in the book store, both chuckled as they both realized Rachel picked up on what was happening. Maura went down a few aisles then stopped and grabbed a book, she handed it to Rachel with a smile.

"Sing You Home by Jodi Picoult, I am taking it you want me to read this." The smile that was on Rachel's face caused Maura to smile in return.

Looking around for a moment longer the two stopped at a cozy corner and sat down on a loveseat, Rachel was about to talk but stopped when Maura took the book and opened it.

"_One Sunny, crisp Saturday in September when I was seven years old, I watched my father drop dead. I was playing with my favorite doll…"_ Maura read from the book, Rachel settled into a comfortable position and listened to Maura read the book allowed. Rachel was in amazement of this woman, she loved how Maura's eyes scanned the pages, how her lips moved and her voice changed when certain words came up. In that moment Rachel knew she was going to fall in love with the woman next to her, but what she also knew was that this woman beside her was going to possibly break her heart.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: So right now Rachel and Maura are going on one month together and this is also a bit of an insight into that moment when Angela saw Rachel come downstairs early in the morning. So here it is I hope you enjoy it!**

Sitting on her couch Maura thought about the last month her and Rachel were dating which surprised Maura, she liked Rachel but she didn't think she could actually date but she found herself being able to open up. But there was one thing she hadn't opened up about and that was Jane, everything about Jane and that she had with Jane was shut tightly and sealed up in her heart and mind. Jane always had her heart no matter how hard she tried to get her out of it but she couldn't, taking a sip of her wine that turned more into a gulp Maura looked out the window when she saw a pair of lights pull into her driveway.

Taking a deep breath and releasing it Maura set her wine glass down and went towards the door, opening it she smiled at the sight of Rachel walking up to her with bags in her hands. Rachel walked into the kitchen and set the bags down as Maura closed the door, Maura walked in allowing the smell of Thai food to fill her senses.

"You should lock your door, Sweetheart." Rachel stated not realizing the endearment, but Maura had she stood still and took it in. Rachel looked up and noticed and allowed realization to sink in, pausing for a moment Rachel spoke. "I'm sorry, I didn't…"

"It's okay; I will go lock the door." Maura smiled as she walked back towards the front door, she felt weird when Rachel had called her sweetheart she felt like she was on cloud nine. She felt like she did when Jane would call her pet names, walking back towards the kitchen she saw a plate already made up for her. Vegetables and steamed meats with sauces in little cups on the side, looking over at the plate Rachel was making for herself she noticed how she just threw everything on.

"Don't worry I will add more vegetables." Rachel chuckled as she grabbed the take out container containing steamed veggies and put a load of them on her plate.

"Thank you." Maura smiled as Rachel walked towards her with her plate in her hand and the wine bottle in the other.

They sat down and turned on the T.V. and sat as one of Maura's medical documentaries came on, Rachel focused on her plate not really wanting to see some guys tumor being removed from his intestines while she ate. Maura was so engrossed in the documentary that she misjudged the distance of her wine glass from her mouth and ended up spilling it on herself, luckily she was just wearing a pair of sweats and a t-shirt and not one of her designer dresses. Instantly Rachel grabbed a towel and begun to help her dry off, when the two looked at one another Rachel's hand stilled.

Slowly, their lips met. It wasn't the first time they had kissed but this was the first time they had kissed with so much passion, as they kissed Maura registered that even though kissing Jane was like a nuclear blast kissing Rachel was relatively close. As the kiss deepened Maura didn't know if she could continue but when Rachel's lips found their way to her neck and started kissing just slightly behind her ear Maura felt herself bursting with want, pulling away slightly Maura stood and took ahold of Rachel's hands and led her up to her bedroom.

All doubts about not being able to be with Rachel were squashed and Maura just allowed herself to get caught up in the feelings, and that is what she did all night. The next morning when Maura awoke she smelled coffee and eggs; fully awakening she turned towards her door when it opened. Rachel walked in with two cups of coffee, a buttoned down top she wore last night, a pair of boy shorts and smile on her.

"I brought you some coffee, I didn't make it Angela did she was downstairs when I went down. I hope that is okay?" Maura knew Rachel was asking her if it was okay if Angela found out how far their relationship had recently gone.

"Yes, it is okay." The couple smiled at one another and burrowed down under the covers their coffee put onto the bedside tables being long forgotten about as their lips met again, not being on call today Maura allowed herself again to just be swept up in the emotions.


	8. Chapter 8

There was a serial killer on the loose, but what else was new. But there was something that was new; I had been performing an autopsy when it happened. I didn't look up but I knew she was there; she had peered into the morgue through the window before entering she had taken a deep breath before coming in. I was angry but at the same time I wanted to run into her arms and tell her I was sorry, but I couldn't. I was rude to her my words were icy but that all stopped, this is what happened.

"_Hey, I was wondering if I could watch."_

"_Of course, detective." Instantly a pain went through Jane's chest but she pushed it down and went up and stood by the victim. As Maura was about to make the first incision Jane spoke up._

"_Maura, I know what I am going to say might not make things better but I want to say I am sorry. I was such an ass you didn't deserve to be treated that way. You weren't and aren't a piece of ass and…I treated you as such. You are one of the greatest people I know and I understand that you hate me and that we might never be friends again and I accept that because I now know fully what I did was wrong, that I hurt you." Jane sighed then continued on. _

"_All I want to say is I just want you to be happy because someone like you deserves to be, I would like to stay for the autopsy but I understand you don't want me here. Again I am so sorry." Jane blurted out then quickly began to leave but stopped when she heard the voice behind her finally speak without malice._

Hearing those words, how I could be mad even for a split second. I missed Jane so much, even with everything that happened. I missed our little spats, her teasing the way my hand would touch her arm the way she reserved that one grin only for me. I missed her arms around me when I was sad, and when I was happy, I missed her naked flesh on mine. The way she would whisper my name when she was about to scream out her release, the way she looked at me like I was the only one around.

Taking a deep breath I watched as she turned and walked away, the thing is her walking away this time felt different. Something inside me snapped, something inside told me if I let her walk away now she would be gone forever and I couldn't have that.

"Jane…you should watch the autopsy it is important towards the case." I told her, she turned and smiled at me I couldn't help but smile back. When we smiled at one another I felt butterflies I believe the term is go throughout my stomach, even though having Jane back made me happy I still hated myself. I was having all of these feelings and thoughts for Jane even though I am seeing Rachel, I finished the autopsy and helped close the case.

I felt good about that, but what I didn't feel good about was when I got home and Rachel was there surprising me with dinner. It was sweet and romantic, I kissed her, smiled and ate the dinner. We talked about anything and everything while I laid in her arms, that night we made love and it was amazing. But when she had fallen asleep I got up and opened the drawer on my bed side table and removed a small box, inside that box held little things. No monetary value all sentimental, inside were tickets to old movies, letters, a dried out flower, a softball and various things. All of these things were memories with Jane, light tears spilled out form my eyes.

What was wrong with me, I felt like a whore. Even though I loved Rachel I was still in love with Jane, even though I was having sex with Rachel I would fantasize about Jane the rest of the day. What was even worse that this night when Rachel and I were together I thought about how Jane used to touch me, the way her hands felt , her lips, her breasts against mine and the way her hips would rock into me.

Loosening the grip on the box I placed it back inside and shut the drawer, I stood up to go downstairs. Before going down I leaned down and kissed Rachel on the forehead, and looked down at her. She was giving herself to me completely, she was being everything I ever thought I wanted but here I was playing her. Here I was settling, but yet I wasn't Rachel was technically better than Jane. To choose Jane would be settling based on qualities and personality, but in my heart Rachel was settling. Could I continue this?

Sitting at the island my tea in hand I continued to think, I must have been sitting there for hours because Angela walked in with a smile on her face. But it left when she saw me, I could tell she wanted to talk to me but she stopped and just did small talk for which I was grateful for because I am not ready to admit my mistakes, because I know once I do I am going to break Rachel's heart and that I cannot do. I have to stay with her because Jane and I together couldn't work.

Could it?


	9. Chapter 9

It had been a quiet night in, Jane and I were having a girls night catching up she had told me about going to therapy and I was so proud of her. And at the same time disappointed in myself, I had put the entire fault on her and made her believe it but that wasn't the case at all. When Jane had told me about approving of Rachel and me together I was happy, because I am falling in love with Rachel.

But the problem is even though I was falling in love with Rachel I was already in love with Jane, we had a moment well I had a moment at least I think it was only me. But I had come back from being in the kitchen and Jane had her boot clad feet propped up on my table and I chided her for having them up there, all I had to say was her name. It was though when she moved them and smiled at me, I melted I found myself wanting to jump into her arms and kiss her, make love to her.

Instead though I sat down and let her carry on talking about therapy and how she was sorry, and what do I go and do tell her I am falling in love with Rachel. I could have slapped myself in the face especially when just for a brief second before she said how happy she was I saw it in her eyes, the look of pain, heartbreak, loss and anger. I wanted to again jump into her arms and tell her I was in love with her, how I wanted to be with her but how I was so scared and that so much time has passed already.

Later on that night though is when I stopped thinking, I know when does Maura Isles stop thinking well I did that night, see what happened was Angela and Sean left for their date but that was after Rachel had shown up. Anyways Angela and Sean left leaving Rachel, Jane and I. My mother ended up calling and I walked away, it was a short conversation as usual and when I hung up I heard Rachel and Jane talking well mostly Rachel.

Neither one knew I was nearby but I heard the agreement and to be honest I don't know what to think, I am dating Rachel so that means I am with her but they are willing to let me choose in the end. I don't really understand, I want Jane I want to grow old with Jane but with Rachel it is a sure thing she loves me and is well…perfect why would I go back and risk being heartbroken or breaking Jane's heart. Why would I do that? Could I do that?

The answers I give myself confuse me further; because I love her and no I can't because I can't hurt Jane again. Two small questions with two small answers that are the biggest questions and answers of my life, I am lost and confused.

What do I do?


	10. Chapter 10

It had been a long week and I actually had two days off where I wasn't on call, it didn't matter though I didn't like Dr. Pike…if you could call him a doctor coming in and messing with my stuff so I was still technically on call but yet not. I had no plans but I still got up and got dressed, Angela was downstairs with breakfast being set on the island so I could sit and eat. I love having her around, she was the mother I never had. Jane always complained about Angela's prying but I loved it, it made me feel like I had an actual mother.

"How did you sleep, sweetheart?"

"I slept well thank you, how did you sleep?" I smiled at Angela she had called me her daughter on many occasions even after what happened to Jane she didn't treat me differently, even though I think she should.

"Very well!" Angela beamed, instantly I knew something was up and I smiled knowingly.

"With that smile I am going to hypothesis that you weren't alone last night." Instantly I noticed Angela's blush.

"Maybe…" Typical Rizzoli answer, I chuckled and gave Angela a look that told her to spill. "Okay, Sean stayed over!" Angela practically squealed.

"Well, how was it?" I had never been one to talk this way but with Angela it was like talking to a friend and mother, it was easy to talk to her in a girl talk way.

"It was amazing, I mean it was amazing before but this time…I think it is because we aren't hiding it anymore you know. I don't have to worry about someone walking in and having to explain, I don't have to worry about being quiet so no one hears. It felt even better because I knew that he was mine and I could tell people and just open up." Angela informed but I could tell she was holding back.

"What is it, Angela?"

"I just find it so hard, I never had that with Frank. I mean he was good and I just didn't realize there was better until Sean. In so many different ways not just in the bedroom but all around, Sean makes me feel like everything is going to be okay, he makes me feel safe, loved, valued, appreciated and like I am the only woman in the world. When we went out to dinner last night he looked at me even when this gorgeous, young, and very well endowed woman came and took our order he gave his order and smiled but when he looked at me…I knew he wasn't having eyes for her it was all to me." The smile on Angela's face caused me to smile even bigger, I knew that feeling and it saddened me but I was not going to let Angela see.

"I know we haven't been back together long but I love him and…I can see myself marrying him some day. I can see myself spending the rest of our lives together no matter how long we have left. And I can see myself if he goes first not wanting to be with anyone because he is everything I never knew I dreamed about. When you find someone who makes you feel that way you hold onto them, you don't let them go." Angela stated before she turned around to clean the skillet she had used, my smile vanished when she was out of eyesight. I knew those last words were directed towards me but I don't think I could act on them, I was happy for Angela but I also found myself being jealous of her. She could act on her feelings, she had no qualms about stating what she felt or thought and at that moment I wanted to be like Angela Rizzoli and just say what I felt and thought.

I want to be the type of person who isn't afraid to show her faults, who isn't afraid to be brash. Someone who isn't afraid to go in guns blazing, I wanted to be the type of woman Angela Rizzoli is not her just her…confidence. I wanted that, even when Frank tore her apart and kept tearing her apart she didn't lose herself she got even stronger. I respected her then and idolized her then but now I envy her, watching her clean the dishes with her breakfast still untouched I smiled.

It was the parent in Angela to feed the child first and let her food get cold, it was the woman in her to have girl talk with me and talk about her sex life so openly to a friend. It was the mother in her to go somewhere with that girl talk and instill wisdom, it was just plain Angela Rizzoli. No, Angela is far from plain she is amazing. She is Jane's mother but also my mother, she is my friend and my enemy because she points out my flaws in the most subtle but in the most point blank way.

When Angela finished the dishes and turned around to start eating her breakfast I plastered the smile back on my face, but I think she caught me but she didn't let on. We continued to speak from work to dating and everything else in between, when we both finished breakfast we cleaned our plates and dried the dishes together in silence. As Angela hugged me and grabbed her stuff to go to work she stood still and smiled at me, I knew she had something to say.

"It is inside of you, sweetie you just need to let it out." Angela said as she looked at me then turned and walked out the door, for a moment I didn't understand then it hit me. She knew everything I had been thinking, chuckling I knew I should of known. She was Angela Rizzoli, Jane always said she had ESP or something…I think it is just the mom in her. Grabbing my things I let what Angela said run through my head but my lack of confidence didn't let me think it was possible.

I am not her, and I never will be anything like her…

Right?


	11. Chapter 11

I rolled over and looked at the clock two a.m. and I was still awake, I was feeling horrible and not in a fever, flu kind of way but in an I can't believe I said the things I said way. Releasing a sigh I rolled back onto my back and looked at the ceiling, we had had dinner Rachel and I . Everything was going great then somewhere along the way I snapped, not like that final night where I yelled at Jane but like the 'cat fight' we had a long time ago.

Rachel was calm and collected the whole time, and in honesty it pissed me off. I don't know why but I wanted her to yell at me, I wanted her to lose her control. Releasing another sigh I wanted to argue like Jane and I would, she wouldn't hold back she would go in guns blazing. Her fire take no prisons attitude would come out, she would be collected but she would go for it. Rubbing my eyes I knew I was tired but I couldn't sleep, why was I doing this. Maybe I needed help too, Jane was going to therapy maybe I should go.

Scoffing I sat up and switched on my bedside lamp, insomnia was going to kill me long before old age. Glancing down at my cellphone I knew I should call Rachel and apologize, I didn't even know why I got so angry I don't know what the argument was even about. If I didn't know the one who started it I doubt she knew, grabbing my cellphone I looked her up in the contacts and was about to call but stopped myself. Setting the phone back down I opened up the bedside drawer and removed the box, the box that had memories of Jane before everything happened.

Tears begun to spring up in my eyes, why couldn't I just tell Jane? Why was I doing this to Rachel? Mentally hitting myself and hating myself and setting the box to the opposite side of the bed…Jane's side and sighed again. Getting out of bed I reached into the shelving unit of the bedside table and removed the phone book, climbing back into bed I opened the phonebook.

Right there in front of me were a list of therapists, could I go through with it. I know the benefits of therapy but did I need it? Yes. Could I go through with it? I don't know. Scrolling through the names I recognized some and instantly said no, others that I recognized had possibility I knew they were great in their respective fields. But one name stood out, I had heard of them but did I need their help. Writing the number down to call in the morning which was technically in two hours when my alarm would go off , I put the phonebook back and turned off the light.

I opened my cellphone and sent an apology to Rachel in a text and told her I would call her on my way to work, sending it I put my phone back and tried to get an hour of sleep. As I drifted I heard my phone go off, reaching over and opening the text it read:

_From Rachel: It is ok Sweetheart we will talk when you leave…I love you x_

Pausing at the last bit I didn't know if I should respond or not, we hadn't technically said I love you and I did love her but would I be lying if I replied even though I did love her. Taking a deep breathe I texted back:

_Maura: Talk in the morning and…I love you too x_

Putting my phone back I laid back down and allowed sleep to claim me; who was I kidding I was selfish and it wasn't going to be old age or insomnia that was going to kill me it was going to be my own selfish, using self that was going to kill me. I am a darn liar and I know I deserve every bit of bad karma that was coming my way.


	12. Chapter 12

I woke up an hour later to my alarm going off, sitting up I felt exhausted and knew I was going to need coffee and tons of make up to cover up my dark circles. Looking over I saw the number and sighed, picking up my phone I dialed the number and waited. A perky, receptionist answered.

"What days and times are good for you?"

"Well, I am a medical examiner so my days are…scrambled but I am usually free Monday's at seven a.m."

"Okay, I will write you in may I have your name and a number to contact you by."

"I would rather not give my name right now but my number is 555-0005." I replied.

"Okay, is there something we can call you by though." I didn't want to give my name, I wasn't comfortable.

"Yes, um…M just M for right now." Shortening down to one letter I could handle.

"Okay, we will see you on Monday at seven a.m."

"Thank you." I hung and released a breath, I didn't want to do this but if Jane could then I could. I got dressed and left for work without breakfast, on my way in I spoke to Rachel and apologized. She as always said it was okay and was laid back, I loved that but at the same time I wanted…fire. We agreed to going out to dinner when I was done at work, and just as we were saying our byes she said it:

"Well, have a good day at work. I love you." I froze but knew I needed to respond.

"You as well, be safe and I love you too." We hung up just as I was pulling into a parking space, I did love Rachel that was not a lie but I know I am not treating her right. Sighing for the hundredth time so far today, I got out of my car and went inside BPD with a fake smile plastered on my face. Going into the café I surprised Angela by getting a coffee, it was going to be a long day I could feel it. Especially when Jane walked up to me and started talking to me, squashing the feeling down of wanting to kiss her I just continued to smile and answer with my usual 'Google mouth'.

A very long day…


	13. Chapter 13

We met at a little Greek restaurant, it wasn't five star but it was the best in town and I loved going to these little places. I used to not like them but when Jane started pulling me into them I fell in love with the homey and private environment you couldn't get from big, and fancy restaurants as Jane and Rachel both called them. Rachel was in a pair of nice jeans and a green blouse that brought out her eyes, I hadn't expected anything but when she reached down and handed me a rather large box my eyes held questions.

"Don't worry I bought this a while back ago it just now came in." Rachel chuckled at my obvious thought it was something that was supposed to ease our recent argument which isn't stable on a relationship at all, who was I kidding I wasn't stable.

I smiled and removed the wrapping paper and opened the box what was inside caused me to gasp and pause, what was inside had to cost a small fortune. "Rachel." I whispered.

"I know what you are going to say, but I remember you mentioning that you need some new tools and I went online, made some phone calls and found the best price. I saved up a bit and I figured I would give them to you when they came in, I was going to wait for like a holiday, birthday, anniversary or big moment you know but they came in last night and I just couldn't wait to give them to you." I looked up and smiled at Rachel and that is when it hit me, the look in her eyes the smile on her face she was in love with me.

Smiling I took ahold of Rachel's hand and leaned in and kissed her, I felt it…it was no nuclear blast but it was so close. In that moment I chose to try and make it work with Rachel, I could hurt her but I needed it to work.

"Thank you." I whispered as we broke apart from the kiss for a second.

"You're welcome." This time she leaned down and kissed me, and again I felt that blast…no nuclear blast but it was a blast that was so very close.

"I love you." I said as we broke the kiss, she smiled at me and I felt the butterflies.

"I love you, too." I set the package down and smiled as the waitress came with our food, we ate and spoke comfortably. I was going to make this work even if it killed me…


	14. Chapter 14

She was dating…Jane was dating, Maura sat in the kitchen with a glass of wine in her hand. She knew this would happen she was technically prepared but why was she so jealous. Was it because it wasn't just any woman but a woman Jane had crushed on when she was a teenager, finishing off her glass Maura poured another one. Why was she so jealous, she had moved on had been with the same person for months!

Placing her head in her hands Maura wanted to smack her head against the counter, but resisted. What was her problem, she thought she was doing better after going to therapy but at this moment she guessed not. Pulling out her cellphone she made a phone call as she grabbed her purse and coat.

"Is there any way I can come in right now, I really…I really need to talk." Maura asked the receptionist.

"Yes, there will be an opening here in twenty minutes."

"I will be there!" Hanging up the phone Maura got into her car and headed towards her therapist, she needed to scream…cry anything to get rid of what she was feelings. When she arrived the receptionist smiled at her brightly.

"You can go on in she is expecting you." Maura nodded and walked right through the doors and stepped in where her therapist was already waiting in a chair, sitting in the chair across from the doctor Maura paused and released a breath.

"She is dating…"

"The woman you are in love with is dating again."

"Yes." Maura replied as she begun to shake.

"Well, that is bound to happen dear. You have been seeing someone for a long time now." The doctor stared, meeting with this woman had been a mystery from the beginning. Maura had not given her name or the names of anyone she talked about which caused confusion.

"I am aware of that so why I am acting like this!" Maura yelled as she stood up, she was losing herself she wasn't recognizing this person that was yelling and pacing.

"Well first, M you need to calm down as best as you can."

"This is my best right now."

"Now I don't believe that and I don't think you do either." Maura nodded, took a deep breath and sat down.

"She is dating again, and she has every right after what I did. And with the relationship I am in I am trying to make it work because I can't go back, I can't hurt her again." Maura cried, instantly a box of tissues were pushed towards her. Taking the box Maura grabbed a tissue and begun to clear the tears away.

"What makes you think you will hurt her again?"

"With what happened I can't go back now, I mean I blamed everything on her."

"Then talk to her, you mentioned you and her always had such open communication. What changed that?"

"Fear…I was afraid she just wanted sex but even with hurting each other I still want her I feel…" Maura stopped as her mind raced.

"What are you feeling, M?"

"I don't know! There is so much!" Again Maura stood and paced, the tissue box still in her hand. "I mean I love both, how can that be!"

"It is possible to love two people, M."

"I am realizing that right now, but how do I choose. I mean come on do I choose Rachel who is perfect or do I choose Jane someone I have history with one that involved us both hurting each other but who I have always loved! What do I do?" Maura continued to pace not noticing the look on her doctor's face go too shocked.

"Well, first off it is nice that you have spoken some names. So how about you tell me your name now." Sighing Maura sat down and looked at her therapist.

"Dr. Maura Isles Chief Medical Examiner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts." Maura replied as she started to look down at the ground, if she had stayed looking at the therapist she would have seen the look of shock grow even more because the therapist in front of her was Dr. Margaret Petterson, Jane's therapist.


	15. Chapter 15

She ditched me and lied to me! How could she do this! We were just getting back on track and she does this! I ranted inside my head as I paced in my bedroom, how could she just do that! I have realized that pacing was my way in venting, my way in releasing my frustrations and nervousness much like Jane's was rubbing her hands.

Shaking my head for thinking more about Jane I continued to pace, I needed to talk to someone again. But ever since the visit where I gave my name Dr. Petterson has been acting strangely, I don't really know why but I have been able to detect something…different. Sitting down Maura took deep, calming breaths and tried to process everything. She was able to get over the thought of Jane dating but this…this was serious. It had to of been if Jane lied to her, she had to relax.

Maura laid back on her bed with her legs dangling off the bed, she needed to compose herself before she went back downstairs where she knew only Angela was because she could hear the faint noise of the T.V. and pots and pans clanking together in the kitchen. Mediating for a moment Maura pulled herself together then stood up and made her way downstairs, she was going to be calm, an adult and not allow this to get to her.

"Do you need any help, Angela?"

"I would like that." Angela smiled at Maura who walked over and begun to help clean up. Once done that sat down and both drank a cup of tea together. "So, what is going through that big brain of yours?" Angela joked causing Maura to smile slightly.

"Just some things."

"Maura."

"I don't really want to talk about certain things right now, Angela." She knew it came out as abrupt and rude but Maura didn't want to have a mother/daughter talk at this moment, sensing that Angela nodded and finished her tea then cleaned her cup.

"Okay, well I won't be home till tomorrow I am going to go and stay at Sean's since he just got off of work." Angela replied as she looked at Maura, she knew Maura was trying to close herself off but Angela could read her like a book she didn't tell anyone this but she knew what Maura was doing and thinking.

"Alright, have a great night." Maura smiled up at Angela.

"Oh, I plan on it especially after that shopping trip we had last week I need to make use of some things I bought!" Angela laughed as she put her now dry cup away, Maura laughed as well as she remembered some of the things Angela had bought when they went shopping. Maura knew that tomorrow Cavanaugh was going to be a smiling man and less cranky which was needed since the most recent case had him on edge recently.

"Well, in that case maybe I won't see you for a week because he won't want you to leave." Maura joked with Angela who blushed brightly and chuckled.

"I can only hope!" The two busted out laughing now, Angela walked over and hugged Maura and kissed the top of her head. "Try and get some sleep, sweetie." Angela whispered to Maura as she begun to leave. "Goodnight!"

"Goodnight, Angela." Maura replied with a smile as Angela smiled at her and closed the door behind her, getting up and washing her cup Maura looked out the window and up at the moon. Going up to her room she got into a nightie and texted Rachel who was on call, instantly getting a text back Maura settled in for a night of texting Rachel.

As the texts continued Maura found herself relaxing and only thinking about Rachel, maybe she wasn't as upset with Jane as she thought.


	16. Chapter 16

Two weeks, have gone by since Jane and I have spoken and on top of it Rachel and I have been on the rocks. I don't know what happened we went to lunch then since then she has been cold and distant, not to mention she canceled dates. Sitting at my desk I thought back to the last date we had…

"_The portions here are extremely large maybe we could split the main course." Maura replied when no answer came she looked up and noticed Rachel wasn't paying attentions he was just looking at the table as if lost in thought. "Rachel, Rachel?" Finally Rachel looked up._

"_Huh?" _

"_We can split a main course." Maura stated as she looked at Rachel with a questioning look._

"_Um, yeah sure whatever you want." Rachel replied as she closed the menu, and smiled. Maura noticed that Rachel was fidgeting, instantly on high alert something told her Rachel was hiding something._

"_Are you okay?"_

"_Yeah, I am great! I am going to the restroom, order anything." Rachel smiled as she got up and went to the bathroom, she lied I read it in her body language. Sadness washed over Maura, she couldn't work things out with Jane and now things were going down the pipes with Rachel. Releasing a sigh and breathing easily trying to calm herself and stop the tears, Rachel was going to break up with her. She knew it there was no other possible answer, the algorithm was pointing to the end. When Rachel came back I plastered a smile on my face and pretended like nothing was wrong, as we spoke I told myself that if things ended with Rachel I would try harder to be the person for Jane._

_Angela always talked about fate and if things ended with Rachel I was going to take it as fate, I didn't believe in it but at this moment I was going to. If things ended with Rachel I was going to take it as a sign to work things out with Jane, if they didn't end I was going to stick with Rachel. Was it wrong for me to say I hoped that fate existed and that it would lead me to Jane was I hoping my relationship with Rachel would end? Something was seriously wrong with me._

Getting up from my desk I went to perform an autopsy and clear my mind but that is right when Jane came running into my office demanding make up. My jealousy was rising but I kept looking away and mentioned it was due to us being friends again but in honesty, I wanted her to call me I wanted to end up in her arms. I wanted to make love to Jane, I wanted her.

As Jane discussed how perfect things were with Jennifer I felt myself breaking completely inside, I couldn't admit my feelings to Jane and I couldn't keep a relationship going with Rachel. So finally I broke down and told her how I thought Rachel was going to break up with me, I only stopped crying when Jane wrapped her arm around my shoulders the way she used to. Instinctively, I put my hand on her thigh and rubbed gently. It took a moment but it finally dawned on me how close we were and what it would look like, and I also felt how inside just touching Jane's thigh flared up a want inside of me.

That night when I left work Rachel called me and asked to go out to dinner, I told her it would be Sunday she told me it was important. Instantly I felt like she was going to break up with me and figured it should be gotten done and over with, if she broke up with me I was going to just lay myself out there to Jane and if she didn't feel the same then I was going to go away for a while and get my head on straight.

When our date rolled around Rachel was different she was nervous but also attentive I didn't understand these fluctuating emotions, as dinner finished she insisted we go for a walk. If she was going to break up with me I just wanted her too, as we continued on and she continued talking I zoned out but found myself responding like I was listening and that is when she stopped which caused me to stop.

I looked over but instead of being face to face with her there was a man made pond in front of me so instead I looked down and there she was, down on one knee with a beautiful ring. My heart raced, could I say yes…Jane had accepted us being together and was dating as well…so she didn't want to be with me, right? I was speechless, do I accept or not…

"Maura, I love you with all of my heart and I want to spend the rest of our lives together. Will you marry me?"

"_Say no, Maura. Just say it turn away and run to Jane. It would be easy and safe to be with Rachel, you know what Rachel feels and she is easy to read. No, say no! No, Maura…say yes take the easy road the safe road."_ I thought, as I took a deep breath and was about to say no I saw the look in Rachel's eyes. They were filled with love, could I break another heart…before I could think again my mouth sad the one thing I wasn't think about saying.

"Yes." Rachel stood up smiling and slipped the ring on my finger, she hugged me then kissed me and that is when I felt it…the explosion begin to fizzle out all I could do was smile back. The whole way back to my place she held my hand and I worked on plastering my fake smile on…once inside I made sure to keep it on as I displayed the ring for everyone.

When I saw Jane's face my smile almost fell, I couldn't do this I needed to take the ring off I needed to say no. But I stood with the fake smile and let things race past me, it was that million crowd and not being seen feeling again. What had I done? That night Rachel had tried for more but I told her I was tired from work because of having a case, she smiled and said it was okay. Now Rachel was beside me asleep and I knew as I looked at her that I had made a mistake, a terrible mistake.


	17. Chapter 17

It was the night of our engagement party and I had been planning it and the wedding, the only problem was I didn't know when or where we were going to have it. I was still trying to tell Rachel I couldn't marry her especially after what happened I had a notepad in front of me with places to get married on the top. And the second I was done writing that on the top I wrote: Fenway Park.

Looking down at that I felt tears well up, closing my eyes trying to fight the tears images flashed before my eyes. I was standing at home plate with Jane in front of me in a jersey, a huge smile on her face and peanuts being thrown instead of rice and hotdogs to eat. A smile found its way on my face, the thought of being married at Fenway sounded perfect. I heard footsteps on the stairs and instantly I marked out Fenway heavily and wrote down some churches, parks and this beautiful building that I had read about that was open to taking weddings.

"Hey, gorgeous!" Rachel smiled at me; I smiled back as she went to kiss me on the lips I turned enough to where she hit my cheek. Acting like nothing was out of the ordinary I stood with a smile and mentioned having to go the bathroom.

RACHEL'S POINT OF VIEW…

Maura walked off to the bathroom and I looked down at the notepad, seeing the places made me smile but what removed the smile was whatever was marked out. Looking around making sure no one was around I lifted up the notepad page and put it in front of the sun light, I saw the words Fenway Park. Setting the notepad back down I felt a pain in my chest, Maura didn't like sports the only person who would love Fenway Park for a wedding would be Jane.

Taking a deep breath I steady myself, I knew I wronged Jane. I made an agreement with her and here I was breaking it, Jane had stuck to it and acted like nothing was going on but here I was making Maura marry me. I know they love each other but…I want Maura but I didn't deserve her after what I have done. I have pushed this, I never gave her time to breath…I made sure we went from one thing to another, if I had given her time to breath she would be with Jane.

Snapping out of my thought I heard Maura's heels and knew I needed to figure out a way to end this but when she walked in smiling, the sun shining off of her hair and her skin glowing I found myself talking myself out of it. I couldn't let her go…

ENGAGEMENT PARTY MAURA'S POINT OF VIEW…

When Jane complimented me on my dress I saw the jealousy shine through in Jennifer, I felt horrible it was obvious we were flirting. You could see it in Jane's eyes and I had no doubts in my eyes…I tried to stay away from Jane as much as possible but we were like two magnets positive and negative we kept coming together. It has always been like that we always found our way back to the other…

When I saw Jane and Rachel talking I remembered the night they made their agreement, Jane stayed back but Rachel didn't. I continued to think the rest of the night, when everyone left and Rachel lay again asleep I laid awake thinking. We hadn't been intimate in a month, no over a month to be honest I couldn't remember all I knew was that the first time it was great but then slowly it went to having memories of Jane then to feeling like I was cheating. Now finally to imagining Jane, I needed to end this but how could I do it without hurting Rachel.


	18. Chapter 18

The days flew by and I still didn't know how to tell her, Jane and I hadn't spoken much unless it was about a case. And today was no exception, Jane came storming into the morgue telling my why the victim was killed. I wanted to tell her right then and there but instead I went to say how I was going to have the concrete sent to the lab but Jane got a phone call, and just like that she was gone.

I stood helping the injured the best I could but I kept thinking about Jane especially when she told me who was inside, my heart broke for her. I wanted anyway possible to help her that is why I went in with her but also because I love her and she wasn't going to go alone…I had to be with her. When we reached the dead end and Jane begun to panic I was there by her side to calm her, we were going to turn around and go the other way but that was short lived. All I remember is darkness and the most intense pain I had ever felt, when I awoke I felt it…I knew what was happening inside my body.

As the pain increased and Jane looked off into the distance letting her thoughts take over I knew I couldn't die without telling her, I tried to take a deep breath but found I couldn't. Covering the pain and my lack of air I mustered up what strength I had, I took ahold of her hand and spilled my heart out. The whole time I was gasping for air but I don't think Jane noticed I didn't want her to know, I didn't want her to risk her life for mine.

When she held me I knew we were okay, I knew that in my last moments I had Jane Rizzoli back. I had the love of my life back; I could no longer hold back the gasps for coughs any more. I tasted the blood before it reached my tongue, I remember seeing Jane's look of fear and that is when fear surrounded me. I don't want to die; I want to wake up every morning with Jane. I want to grow old with her, marry her, and raise children and grandchildren with her. I want to die on the same day next to her; I don't want to die like this.

As my breathing labored I asked Jane to tell me about Fenway and getting married there, as she told me the fantasy I felt loved and safe something I hadn't felt in a long time. I soon felt myself slipping as Jane's words became distant, I kept fighting and fighting but my strength began to diminish.

I don't want to die…


	19. Chapter 19

They say when you are in a coma you hear things around you; that is true. But it is different, you hear people but it is distant the voices sound like whispers. I could hear the doctors I knew what was going on every word I knew no one was allowed in my room so I laid there in darkness but yet memories flashed in like dreams.

You know those dreams you have that are really hazy, like you know what is happening but not everything is clear and you can't always hear everything. That is what they were like one was with Jane in it, she looked beautiful and we were standing at Fenway Stadium. I don't remember much but just that dream made me feel like life was worth living to fight was happening inside, no matter how low my chances were to live. I remember forcing my eyes to open, arguing with myself to open my eyes.

Jane thought yoga was hard, well it is nothing like this. Nothing like feeling blackness around you and whispered voices, the struggle to pry your eyes open like you are trying to pry open a frozen car door. But finally strength came in that dream and opened my eyes, the second two nurses came in I said the one thing that was on my mind.

"Jane."

The doctors and nurses kept prodding me and asking me questions, I answered honestly and patiently when inside all I wanted was Jane. All I wanted to do was to tell them all to go away and give me Jane finally when they all left I half laid and half sat up looking at the wall, my head hurt but my heart hurt more. I wanted Jane, I wanted to tell her how sorry I was again I wanted to tell her what a mistake I made. But none of that happened, because when she walked in and smiled at me all I could say was her name. And when she spoke to me all that ran through my head was: I love you, Jane. And when she told me she loved me it was easy to respond, there was no second guessing no thoughts in my head saying it was wrong. It felt right.


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N: So this is the end of Maura's Point of View! I know sad right…but It Was: The End is going to be posted tomorrow so if I am not on your alerts do it so you see when it is posted! I can't wait to see all of you for the third and final installment! Thank you for reading thus far and all of the reviews! Much love! ENJOY!**

Jane has always been protective and don't tell her but nurturing, she doesn't think she would make a good mother but the way she takes care of me. The way she has always taken care of me tells me otherwise, when she said she was going to stay with me through my recovery my heart swelled up. I didn't get though why everyone laughed when the doctor said we make the worst patients, it was probably one of those everyone knows but the genius things.

I had only been back home for a day and already everyone was doting on me, asking if I needed this or that. And I like it but it was also rather annoying, I didn't want to hurt any feelings so I just smiled it off. But honestly it annoyed me even though I was restricted I could still get a glass of water! Of course it was different when Jane brought me water, or a blanket or dinner…anything really. So I took the glass and sipped the water with a smile, we fell into a comfortable silence but Jane had something to say.

I used to think she had to tell me how she felt or say she was sorry but I have learned Jane is more of a do than a say person, it is the things that Jane does that speaks more than her words. Her actions tell you what she is wanting to say or how she feels, I told her that and also that I loved her. I have made many mistakes but loving Jane Rizzoli was not a mistake it was the most pleasant, no most amazing surprise of my life.

"Jane?" I asked attentively I was fearing the rejection

"Yes Maura."

"Will you move in?" I looked up at her and she smiled at me, just her smiling told me she was saying yes.

Maybe we were moving fast but we had wasted so much time and I didn't want to waste it anymore, and I had Jane back I couldn't let her go now. And yes through this time we have changed but as she smiled at me I still saw the strong and loving Jane Rizzoli, my other half. We weren't a team without the other, we were Rizzoli and Isles the saying I believe is two peas in a pod. And even through all of the fights, tears, and the ups and downs we had it she and I it was then and it was now. Yeah, looking into her eyes I knew…it was.


End file.
